A Change

I guess I just feel like I am in a really strange place in my life.  No, I am not trying to get all psychological and I do not feel like my life is flashing before my eyes and that my life is in the last stages.  I do not feel that way at all.  But I just really am ready for something different in my life.  Sometimes, I really wish that I would look at a map, throw a dart, and just move to that place.  No matter where it was.  The fact of the matter is though, I am a big CHICKEN.  This summer had great possibility doing some different things.  I really thought that I was going to buy a house this summer.  (you can read previous post to figure out that fiasco) That would have been real different.  I wanted to paint walls, unpack ALL my boxes and hang stuff on the walls, PAY someone to do my yard, be proud of an accomplishment I had done. (instead I am living in a spot that I seriously in the least dislike)  I wanted to do something I never really believed I could or would do on my own.  But that did not work out.  I decided to wait and do it in a few months.  That really does look doubtful now.  There was a fews DAYS and I do emphasis DAYS that it looked like I could be in on the brink of a relationship with this guy that seemed really great, but that fell through, totally my fault.  Took the advice of others, should not have.  (Thanks _____ and ________!!!) I will leave the blanks to protect the guilty.  Just kidding!!! In the end I totally am the one who screwed up.  I just am sad that I basically was a big scaredy cat about the whole thing and wish I could go back and give it another shot.  I sound really selfish and kinda babyish, and extremely whiney, but I just start to think when is some favor going to shine down on me.  I look around and see people who from the outside looking in have charmed lives.  When will something even remotely exciting happen in my life.  I just go to work (which I do LOVE my job, I am so thankful for a job that I generally love going to) come home, go to church here and there, back to work, back home, ect, ect.  I am just really desiring a change, something different.   I get this conflict in my heart of totally believing that there is a God that thinks that I am AWESOME, who chose me to be me, all my weirdness in all, all my scaredness, every part of me.  Who cares about the exact place I am in in my life and orchestrated that for me to be in my perfect place.  A God that is in control of my life, a God that I trust, and seek.  Then at the same time honestly wondering if he as forgotten about me and wondering if my little life is significant enough for him to even be concerned about.  I heard someone say at church last night I choose __(fear)_____ over Faith. What am I choosing over faith?  

God- I know that you love me and care about every single part of me.  I envision you rolling your eyes at everything I just typed.  I think that my silliness can help with your sense of humor.  I need restoration in my soul though God.  I need you to restore my heart.  Help me to smile, laugh, and enjoy where you have me in my life.  Help to love others, and see you in everything around.  Thanks for a job where I can be reminded of you in children and help me to remember that everything is YOURS.   I am just tired right now and need to be refreshed also.  Help me to choose faith over whatever I may choose beforehand.